To My Friends Without Kids

I haven't really kept up on blogging in the last few years, I don't seem to have the time it takes to sit down and write about life anymore, but it has come to my attention in recent months that I don't have a time for a lot of things, one of them being friends.  Sadly this news came to me in a round-about way and I actually found it very hurtful because I really do try to prioritize and it hurts when someone implies I have mismanaged my time without actually calling to see what's going on in my life or why I seem to have dropped off the map.  So I thought I would write an open blog about what my life actually looks like. 

My Life as a Work At Home Mom to Three, Six and Under

 

I'll start with the obvious.  I have three beautiful children who are my first priority.  My oldest (6) is such an awesome boy.  He brings joy to my heart on a regular basis.  His thoughtful remarks, his sensitive spirit; he is just a treasure.  My next (4.5) is the comic relief in the family, she is just a myriad of questions and chatter that just never ends.  If she has nothing to say she will look around the room and just pick an object at random and start talking about it.  My youngest (2) is just starting to come into her own personality and I have to say she brings tears to my eyes daily with her sweet nature.  She is strong and learning to stand up for herself, but she is so loving, my heart literally cannot contain it daily.  These three little people have taken my life and turned it into something I didn't expect.  They turned me into a mom.  I wake up thinking about them, I dream of their futures, I pray they don't make a lot of the mistakes I made, I hope for good things for their future and I sow into that future from the time I get up in the morning till the time I go to bed at night.  It is a lot of work raising little people.  I didn't realize when I had my first just how much responsibility it is to raise a human being.  I have to teach them how to walk, talk, share, etc.  I have to explain to them about disappointment, expectations, common sense.  I need to teach them how to safely cross the road, to chew their food thoroughly, not to run with scissors.  I need to instill in them good values, morals and how to exercise wisdom.  The weight is heavy.  None of these are lessons I can just sit down and explain in a one hour session.  This is something I have to model for them every day because every day they are watching me.  They are mimicking me and they are learning how to be good people because of me.  Scary thought.  However, that's not all I do.  There's the mundane that I do.  I get up, make beds, change diapers, get everyone dressed, make breakfast... and all that before 8:30 am when I have to run out the door to get my son to school (hopefully) on time.  Then when I get back home at approximately 8:40am I have a house to clean because, shock of all shocks, the cleaning gnomes didn't show  up last night to pick up the clothes that my children left in a heap on the livingroom floor when they got ready for bed last night.  So now I have to clean the bathrooms, tidy the livingroom, clean the kitchen, clean my room... and you know what?  I can't!  Because when I picked up the first pile of clothes from the livingroom floor my youngest came over with her sippy cup and said, "Mama!  Wawa PEEEESE!"  So I dropped what I was doing and filled her sippy with water for which I was rewarded with a, "Ganks Mom!!"... it was worth it.  Now back to the laundry I was trying to collect so I could start a load... uh oh, same two year old is now bringing me the cordless phone and so cutely saying, "Mama.  Mama.  Phown! Nannie!  Peeeeese!" and who can resist a request like that?  So we dial Nannie's number and wait.... once Nannie picks up the phone I sit with a ridiculous grin on my face while my two year old grips her little, chubby hands into fists and shakes from head to toe with excitement and listen to her shout, "NANNIE!!!" with absolute abandon and giggle in delight.  I then listen to her chat in mostly baby babble to her Nannie, whom she loves with all her heart, for a few minutes before she says, "Bye Nannie!!  A hugs.. [she hugs the phone while saying this]... a ksssss [she now kisses the phone].. and then she hands it back to me.  After that half hour of absolutely delightful distraction I go back to gathering the laundry, but now it's been an hour since my older daughter has eaten... "Momma, can I have a snack?" 

"But you JUST ate?"

"But I'm really, really hungry.  My tummy is hungry, feel it!" She pulls my hand over to put it on her stomach so I can feel the void that is there from lack of proper snacking routine.  I sigh and put the laundry in the hamper (I have made it to the bathroom at least) and fix her a snack and turn on a cartoon in hopes of getting at least ONE task completed this morning.  I open the washing machine only to find that at some point in the last week a load was done and I forgot to change it, so now it's sour and needs to be washed again... so much for getting all the laundry done this morning.  I turn the washing machine back on and start cleaning the kitchen.  By this point my youngest is now in the kitchen.  "Ah Momma!  a Gogurt Peeese!" (why so many words start with G is beyond me, but they do, and they sound adorable coming from her mouth)... so quickly grab a yogurt tube and squeeze it into a bowl (so much for handy snack) and grab a spoon for her to feed herself while I try to unload the dishwasher.  I hear a squeal from behind and look to see my toddler with yogurt on her hand and shirt, just a drip, she'll be fine.... but she doesn't think so.  Tears start to well up in her eyes and she holds out her hand and says, "Ah Mommy! Yucky! Mommy!  HAAALP!!  Uh Mommy YUCKY!  PEEESE!! Uh Wipes!!".. well who can resist when asked so nicely and with such sincerity... I grab the wipes and help her clean the eighth of a teaspoon of yogurt off her shirt and hand.  Once done I try to go back to dishes but she hands me her spoon and says, "uh help mommy"... so I help her with her snack.  "Ganks mommy".  Every time she says it my heart thumps a little harder.  I didn't know I could love a little person like I love my three.  Dishes now forgotten the girls and I go outside and I watch as my youngest squeals in delight with each ride down the slide.  My older daughter laughing and calling to me as she rides around the yard on her pink Harley Davidson PowerWheels.  Every minute or two I am being heralded in a different direction by one child or the other.  "Look Mommy!"  "Uh HALP Mommy!"  "Hey Momma!  LOOK at me!!"  "Uh Puuuuth!" .... it doesn't end.  Eventually I have to go in and leave the happy squeals and make lunch before my poor starving children waste away from lack of sustenance.  They eat like they have never seen food before, it's astounding.  The afternoon passes much like the morning with very little productivity and a lot of "mommy, mommy, haaalp"... I put on my referee hat because now is the time of day when the girls get snappy with one another, but nobody in my house naps much anymore or we won't get bedtime like we need, so we deal with the snark and the tears as they come.  Finally at 2:20pm everyone piles back in the car to go get their older brother from school.  Depending on the day of the week it is I will either hear from him, "Mom?  Can  I go to Nannie's house?" and some days we will drive to Nannie's and I will drop him off while I go home and fix supper, or if it's a Jui Jitsu day then we will run home, grab everyone's Gi's and rush to make the 3:30pm class.  I spend that time running after my two year old, entertaining whichever child isn't in class (because it would be too simple if they were in the same class, but instead they're in consecutive classes)... now it is 4:45pm.. we drive home and I make supper. On a good day the kids will play outside while I do that, on a bad day they'll fight in my livingroom.  Supper on the table at 6pm... My youngest will hoover her food like she's been stranded on a desert island for years, the other two will poke along and eat for the next hour.... or two.  6:30pm I will put my youngest to bed, bath, etc.  7pm my middle will go to bed and then I will sit with her brother and help him with his homework, flashcards, reading, etc.  Then 8pm he's in bed... after 8pm is when I try to pack orders for my business so little hands don't get into the products.  I try to answer emails and do those things which clearly I didn't have time for in the afternoon.  Clean the kitchen and load the dishwasher, make my oldest's lunch for the next day and then remember that load of laundry I started in the morning... And then, if I'm very lucky, I watch a show and go to bed. 

 

Now obviously every day is a little different.  Some days I have to do grocery shopping, with kids in tow.  Other days I have to deliver orders to customers.  Yet other days I have to do banking or pickups for swaps I've completed because I'm always looking to get a good deal and stretch our budget.  Some nights I drive down across the border for the cheaper gas... the list goes on.. but you know what didn't end up on that list?  My friends.  Not because I don't care and not because I didn't think of them.. I did.. but my life has changed.  I'm sorry if this makes you feel unloved, unappreciated or ignored.  That is never my intention.  I do try to make the effort when I can.  If I show up with flowers its because I've been thinking of you.  If I send a quick text it's because I'm trying to reach out.  If I send a FB message that just says Hi its not because I don't want to say more, it's just that's all I got out before my toddler wanted to listen to songs on my phone.  I'm trying my best over here.  I'm just doing what I know how to do with the resources I've been given.  If you're really distraught about how busy I am, you're more than welcome to reach out to me... I do value the relationships I have in my life, but honestly sometimes I get so caught up in my momming that I simply forget.  It's a tough business.. I'm trying to make tiny people grow into healthy, well adjusted big people.  Don't take it personally.  Am I busy?  Yes.  Am I too busy for you?  No.  Call me, I will make time for you... but I probably won't think of it on my own for at least another ten years.. And on that note.. it is now time for me to go get my oldest from school.   

A New Journey... and now in my 31st year... where has the time gone?

Well, here I am.. 30 years old and still fighting the same battle I have fought almost my entire life.  I have tried many different strategies and had varying results, but almost always I fall off and go right back to the beginning.  What battle is that, you ask?  My battle with weight.  Now I'm sure you're nodding your head, because what woman doesn't understand that battle?  If you've seen me in person, however, you're likely rolling your eyes.  Why?  Because I am just over 5'9.5" and ridiculously thin.  Therein lies the problem.  Ridiculously thin.  Try 105lbs thin.  Now those who were sympathizing just began hating me instead.  I know, it's a reaction I've grown accustomed to.  My girlfriends tell me on a regular basis, "you know I hate you right?" or "I'd love to have your problem" in a sarcastic tone.  Perhaps that's why I don't have a lot of girlfriends.... but I digress.  Being underweight is a REAL struggle.  Since having my third baby I have had a much harder time keeping weight on than I did before.  Prebaby I would sit at about 110lbs, which is still well below ideal, but still manageable.  However I find my body prefers to drop weight rather than gain.  That's why I started this blog to begin with.  When I went gluten free it was yet another avenue I was exploring to help me with my weight problem.  It helped, a bit, but then I fell off when I got pregnant with my third baby and started eating whatever struck my fancy.  Afterall, if this was going to be my last pregnancy, I was going to enjoy it to the best of my ability.  Unfortunately I didn't foresee the many other health complications that would hinder me in my "enjoyment" of said pregnancy... nevertheless, the food was fantastic.  So, like I was saying, I have struggled to keep weight on since I can remember but only in the last two years has that really bothered me.  As often happens with pregnancy, my body has changed significantly... I expected that.  What I didn't expect was to lost nearly thirty pounds post pregnancy and be left with a body that resembled a sadly deflated balloon.  I didn't expect to look into the full length mirror in a change room two years after the birth of my last baby and burst into tears as a sickly, anorexic-looking, haggard woman stared back.  I didn't expect to walk out of a building only to have some 20-something year old puke tell me to "buy a scale, skeleton"... Yes, that really happened.  I didn't expect that while I'm trying to teach my kids that we're all different and it doesn't matter what people look like that I would be fighting my own battle with self-loathing.  I didn't expect to be the skinny girl wearing the layers to try to look bigger.  The struggle is real people and while I can't speak to the struggles of being overweight, I imagine the feeling is much the same. 

So.. I've changed my diet, again, in hopes of gaining some much needed weight ... I'm going to commit to actively following a rigid food regime for the next 30 days and then we'll see how the clothes are fitting and what the scale says.  Wouldn't it be weird if I hit 130lbs without a baby in my stomach?  That would be uncharted territory! .. and wonderful... I'm trying to be realistic in my expectations, but I can't help but hang my hopes on the thought that maybe this time is "it".... weight.. insecurity... self-loathing... isn't being a woman grand? ..