Up to the Ankles in Urine

So, can we just be real for a moment here.  Parenting is hard.  I know we hear this all our lives, but we don't really "get" it until we become parents.  I have a sneaking suspicion that with each new stage my kids enter into I will learn just how much I didn't "get" it.  I remember asking when it got easier once... and being told that it doesn't, it just gets different.  How true that was.  But it's not just the things you think are going to be hard, like teaching manners and how the brush teeth.  Some days it's just trying to make it to bedtime.  So here's a sneak peek into what parenting looked like today.

Today I let my three year old walk through the ferry terminal in gumboots filled with pee up to her ankles.  Yep, that's right.  Urine.  Up to her ANKLES... Why, you might ask.  Because she has recently decided she is terrified of auto-flush toilets.  I don't know if you've ever been on the BC Ferries, but ALL their toilets are auto-flush.  So that means that the first twenty minutes on the ferry were spent in the bathroom, with my daughter wailing at the top of her lungs, that it was too "woud" and she was "scared".  Yes.  I was the, ever so calm, mom in the stall demanding that my three year old just pee already and get it over with.  In the end I lost.  She didn't pee.  The rest of the ferry ride was spent in the cafeteria trying to get my children to eat their supper.  It was a mostly successful endeavor.  However, during dinner I didn't pay much attention to the fact that my three year old was guzzling water like she'd spent the majority of her life in the desert.  THAT little tidbit escaped me entirely.  So fast forward to the announcement that tells us we're nearing the terminal and I suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my tickets for the return ferry over.  So I quickly pack up the kids and we head down to the gift shop.  That's always a fun experience, three kids, seven and under, in a crowded store with grossly overpriced items all within hands reach.

So, we leave the gift shop with our tickets and go get in line to leave the ferry.  If you've ever been on a ferry you know how crowded it gets by the exits.  So, of course, we're right by the door and now there are people pressing in on all sides (my favorite place to be of course).  The kids are getting hyper... the docking process is taking WAY longer than it normally does.  After a few moments I enact the quiet game (which, incidentally my children LOVE). I get a few approving glances from the people around me and I have a moment of, "I'm such an awesome parent, look at these well behaved kids I've raised!  Everyone is so impressed.  Yeah, I'll bet their kids don't play this game that well." .. okay, maybe that's not exactly what I thought, but I definitely was having an up moment.  Suddenly my three year old breaks the quiet game with, "Momma, I gotta go pee".  Now, bear in mind, this is the child who can say she has to pee and then forget about it and not pee for several hours, so a few minutes will NOT kill her.  We are pinned in on all sides and there is no way I am losing this prime real estate by the doors so she can go tinkle five drops in a toilet she's going to wail on the whole time.  So, like I have a hundred times before, I tell her, "We don't have a bathroom here, you'll have to wait."  I get some dubious stares from the people around me and I get slightly annoyed.  I know my child people!  I know she is capable of holding it!  It's FIVE minutes at most! I inwardly roll my eyes at the judgmental attitudes I'm imagining and just focus on the other two children still stalwartly holding their ground in the "quiet game".  I'm just explaining to the kids my new rule about the quiet game means no touching and there is a "losing bubble" surrounding them, me, and the people around us, so if you touch anyone you're out.  (They were trying to push one another over because nobody was going to lose this game, we've got stubborn and stubborn and they will NOT lose to one another with grace).  As I'm patting myself on the back for another parenting win I hear, "oh no Momma!" and I look down just in time to see my daughter's gumboots filling up with liquid.  My stomach drops as I watch a tiny puddle form by her boots, thankfully the majority was IN her boots, but now I have a problem.  I look around for a staff member to tell about the puddle, but there is nobody but the people who heard me tell my three year old to hold her bladder.  For the record, they ALL saw the puddle.  I look towards the bathrooms, but there is simply no way that I can get there and back before this door opens, so I do the only thing I can.  I stand there, with my daughter's gumboots full of pee up to her ankles, and wait for the door to open.  I wonder, briefly, about walking up the ramp.  Will the urine slosh back and dribble out the back of her boots?  I hope not and hold my breath as we start walking toward the ramp.  I hear the audible, "splish, splash" inside her gumboots as we walk.  I pretend nothing is wrong.  My daughter says, in her loudest voice, "I wet Momma!"  I nod and say, with as much composure as I can muster under the circumstances, "I know, keep walking."  I feel a slight pang of guilt about the puddle I left on the ferry, but there really was nothing I could do about that and in reality she caught nine tenths of it in her gumboots.

So we walk down the ramp, of course this is the ferry that takes us to the LONGER ramp, so it's a pretty good hike with a lot of ramps.  I watch to make sure nothing is splashing out of my daughter's boots and hurry everyone along to the escalator.  Normally I'd take the stairs, as they're quicker, but the thought of stairs with gumboots full of liquid.. Yeah, I'm not interested in getting rained on today.  We make it to the top with little incident and I'm beginning to believe I'll actually make it back onto the ferry with no further incident.  I hug my son and then realize I am, once again, wrong.  My daughter's have decided that the ferry terminal is the perfect place to wrestle and I watch in horror as my three year old falls down and the previously contained urine is now spilling all over the floor, her pants... pretty much everywhere.  Naturally, I am now the only one who truly knows all that pee came from inside her gumboots.  I am also the only one who knows WHEN she peed herself.  So, like any sane person would do, I act as though this has just happened, scoop her up and hustle her back to the ferry.  This time I didn't even think about the puddle until I was on the ramp.  I felt a slight pang of guilt, but my mortification level was so high it was short lived.

Once back on the ferry I take the girls to the bathroom and take off my daughter's boots.  It's only then that I realize I don't have a change of clothes.  I hadn't packed the girls' pajamas like I normally do, so I have a bag that contains my laptop, makeup, hair gel, a comb, containers from dinner earlier and a Save On Foods bag.  None of these items are helpful for a daughter who is soaked from the waist down in urine.  By this point my daughter is standing in yet another puddle as her socks have started releasing the copious amounts of golden liquid they'd earlier sponged up from her boots.  I pour the boots out in the toilet and then fill them with water and try to dry them with a paper towel.  That was disastrous and had I not needed them to get my daughter back to the car I probably would have thrown them in the garbage like I did the sopping wet socks.  Alas, my dainty daughter weighs as much as I do, so carrying her all the way through long term parking is not something I'm going to do with a bag that weighs as much as my, relatively useless, bag does.

I put my daughter's boots back on, sans socks, and head down the the gift shop - again.  I'm dreading what I'll find there because it's not a place I make a habit of buying things at.  Something about eleven dollar magazines just doesn't work for my budget.  The ONLY item in my daughter's size is a pair of thirty dollar pajamas.  I grit my teeth and take them up to the counter.  I pretend I don't know what my daughter is saying when she tells the lady at the counter, with much enthusiasm, that she is wet.  Gratefully she was looking at me for a translation so I just said something along the lines of, "sometimes it's just not English" and quickly left before she could repeat herself.  As we made our way back to the bathroom, my daughter's gumboots now conspicuously squeaky, I feel as though everyone is staring at me.  They know.  They know that I let my daughter pee herself and then splish, splash through the terminal in two inches of urine.  They know that her wet feet are in wet boots with no socks on.  They know I'm about to try to clean her off with paper towel and horrible smelling hand soap that foams.

Fast forwarding to the end of this mortifying tale, there was one useful item in my bag.  The Save On Foods bag nicely held the remainder of my daughter's soaked clothes.  Incidentally, whoever invented skinny jeans for someone still small enough to pee themselves was a sadist.  I do not love having to grip anything that's been soaked in urine so tightly that it starts to drip down my arms.. alas, that was my fate and my reaction must have been hilarious because my daughter's took great pleasure in that moment.

The rest of the ferry ride went without incident.  I drove home with no further mishaps and then spent thirty minutes just sitting in my driveway contemplating taking my girls into the house.  This is just one of many stories I have filed away from my seven and a half years of parenting.  I can only imagine what my future holds.  I'm sure there are many fun-filled adventures in our future, but there seem to be more moments like these than not at times.  So as I reflect on how my day as a parent went I'm not sure what to take away from today.  I think I will end today with the knowledge that it can always be worse.  You could be the one up to your ankles in urine instead of just the mortified mother.  However, tomorrow is another day and as bad as today was every day is different.  Some days are awesome, others are not.  Some days are a mix of awesome and not... but do you know what my daughter said to me when we got ready to get off the ferry for the second time?  "You're my favorite Mommy, Momma.  I like you a lot." And that, right there, that made tonight worth it.

Isolation in an Age of Constant Communication

"Write about what you know." That is something I've heard said over the years and it makes sense. Nobody wants to read something written by someone who doesn't know what they're talking about, or if that person thinks they know how something should be, but they have no actual experience.  We've all been there; we've all had that friend who knew what we should've done and how we should've done it but they've never actually done anything like it. In theory their advice sounds good, but the reality is that life just doesn't work that way. Yeah. I hate that. I never want to be that person. 

However, I can't seem to shake the idea that some of the things I encounter in everyday life with my marriage and kids and day to day tasks, other people encounter too. Despite the very natural belief that my circumstances must be "unique" and "I'm the only one to walk this path", there must be other people who have had similar thoughts, feelings or circumstances.  

I have wished so many times in my adult life for someone to just whisper in my ear, "it's okay. That's normal. We all go through this".  Am I the only one who has felt this way? Tell me I'm not. I have a hard time believing I'm alone in this, because I've learned that while we all think we are original, we are actually quite similar in our thoughts and feelings; we just don't share those thoughts and feelings very often.  If there were more honesty and less fear of looking imperfect, I think perhaps we would be less isolated. 

I have thought about this quite a lot lately.  Isolation. It's not something I've particularly spent a lot of time dwelling on in my life, but it has come to the forefront as of late.  Having three kids and a husband who works more than he is home I have realized how easy it is to become isolated. I'm an introvert by nature so it's never really been a big issue, being alone, but the longer I am alone the more I realize it's not necessarily the best way to live. I feel like as a society we have become very isolated. 

I'm reminded of the movie with Hugh Grant, About a Boy. The movie starts off with the quote "No man is an island" and then the main character spends the first part of the introduction explaining why he is an island and why he likes his island and all the reasons why he disagrees with that quote. Then, through a series of events, he is thrust into a world where he is needed and he finds himself needing other people as well. In the end he finds he is happier and more fulfilled when he is surrounded by his community and an active participant in the lives of those around him and while he still maintains that he's an island, he admits that maybe even islands need bridges.  

I can identify with this character as I have been a bit of an island for most of my life, but especially in the last decade. Being an introvert by nature, I need quiet time to recharge and find socializing to be very draining. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with people, because I do, but it costs me to do so because I recharge when I am by myself.  If I am required to spend great amounts of time with people and I haven't an opportunity to just be quiet, by myself, I feel as though my world is closing in around me and it is very unpleasant. I don't become the best version of myself in those times. 

However, I feel that our society as a whole has become more isolated. Through the evolution of social media, text messaging, emails, ATM transactions, online shopping, etc we have lost the need to interact on a personal level. I'm not saying any of the items I've listed are bad, they're just real life examples that I have personally realized perpetuate my own isolation. I don't need to go out. I can talk on Facebook. I don't have to go to the store with all the people. I can shop online. I don't have to deal with a bank teller. I can use an ATM. All these things, of themselves, are good things; they make life smoother, but they're creating a separation in society that hasn't been there before.

Even when people lived on homesteads, miles from their neighbors, there was a sense of community that isn't there today. People connected with one another, helped one another, relied on one another because they had to.  Today, I don't need my neighbor to tell me my child has croup or what to do about it, I've got Google. 

But what is this doing to us as a whole? I'll tell you what it's doing to me.  It's made me realize I've isolated myself to the point that when I need to call someone for help, I don't know who I can call.  When I need to have a heart to heart, I don't feel I can. It makes me feel alone and when I start to feel alone I feel overwhelmed.  When I feel isolated I feel this burden drop on my shoulders and begin to think "I can't do this".  Am I alone in this? I don't think I am.  So that is why I'm writing this blog.  Because I don't believe I'm the only one who has ever felt the things I've felt. I don't believe I'm the only one to have ever thought these thoughts. I don't believe I'm the only one to have ever walked this path and sometimes it helps to be reminded of that.  Sometimes all we need to hear is, "it's okay, I've been there, you'll get through it".  So this isn't a blog filled with advice. It's a blog filled with real life experiences. Just real, raw, sometimes ugly truths that I'm learning about life. 

Meal Planning Just Changed Drastically

Well, here I've come full circle again.  When I first began this blog I was about a year away from going Gluten Free for the first time.  I began using this blog to chronicle that journey and record my favorite recipes.  I was GF for six months and I felt fantastic.  Downside, eating GF can be expensive (if you're trying to recreate GF versions of your favorite foods) AND a lot of work, trial and error.  As a result of trying to hard to eat GF versions of what I'd gotten used to I eventually lost motivation and went back to eating how I'd eaten before, slowly, but the same nonetheless.  Fast Forward five years and here I am with the same health problems that I had before and I know that changing the way I eat will make me feel better, but I am absolutely dreading changing the way I eat.  I am a carbohydrate girl ALL THE WAY, but beyond that, I'm a bread girl.  I LOVE plain bread, bagels, waffles, buns, pizza, pitas, tortillas, crackers, naan... if the base of it is bread, I love it.  This is a problem since most "bread" products that are GF are essentially cardboard with some salt for flavor.  If they're not cardboard then they're gummy and dense, not a good texture for a bread of any sort.  Those downsides aside... after beginning last year and saying I wanted to get healthy again I cut grains out of my diet.  I noticed a drastic change in my energy level and my healthy in general.  It was pretty drastic, but not impossible.  I discovered pretty quickly that if you're not trying to eat things that resemble the things you miss it isn't as much work.  True you have to change your way of thinking, but what life change doesn't require a change in mindset? 

As things stand, pre GF, the list of things that are motivating me to make this change is pretty long. 

• Daily headaches
• Migraines 1-3 times a month (sometimes to the point of numbing and paralyzing half my face)
• Heartburn that doesn't go away, starting from my first meal and lasting until I go to sleep at night
• Exhaustion that doesn't go away.  I can go to bed at a decent hour and wake up feeling like I've had no sleep.  I've tried using sleep apps to track my sleep cycles and make sure I'm not oversleeping, but nothing helps and I literally drag myself around all day, everyday
• Constant brain fog.  I feel like I can't think and it makes me entirely unproductive.  It is mentally exhausting and definitely contributes to my constant state of exhaustion.  Sure, it looks like I do a lot from my FB photos, but what those photos don't show is how many time I had to either lay down to combat the grogginess or to just get enough energy to finish the task I started. 
• Bone or Joint Pain.  I had come to just accept that these aches and pains came with the territory of no longer being twenty, but when I was reading my original post about going GF I was reminded that I had these aches and pains in my mid twenties and they went away when I went GF.  I'm really over my knees aching for no apparent reason or my hands locking up because I had the audacity to do something creative for more than fifteen minutes.. 

There are a host of other things that I've experienced, but really.. it doesn't matter what my "symptoms" have been up to this point, what matters is that they go away.  So here I am.. I vaguely recall the last time I went of Gluten I had some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms including headaches, night sweats and horrible nightmares... but I'm pretty sure I'll survive.  This time I'm more familiar with things that aid in detox, so I'll be doing that at the same time just to help this little process along.  According to my blog entries, day five was a good day.  I'm looking forward to feeling my age again, because I've felt about seventy for a while now and I'm over it.  I'm going to go stock up on my GF flours tomorrow.  I've got the basics in my freezer, but who keeps Amaranth flour?  Really? ... ah well.  Here's to another one of Maegen's adventures.. go big or go home seems to be my motto.. so as of today I've had no gluten and, incidentally, I don't have heartburn .. I'll keep making the kids and my husband normal food until I've used all that stuff up, but after that they'll be mostly GF with me.  I don't cook multiple meals in this house, but if they're out at a restaurant or something I'm not going to enforce GF eating.  Guess we'll see how I feel next week.

Grocery Shopping on a Budget

So over the last several months I have talked a lot about saving money on groceries, how much I spend each month to feed a family of five and what some of my strategies are for keeping my grocery costs low.  I thought since this has been a hot topic lately, especially with the rising grocery costs in the last year, I would make it a blog post so I can clearly lay out everything that has been swirling around in my head lately. 

When I was asked this question this week I had so many things start popping in my head.  Where do I start?  What’s the first and most simple thing I do?  I shop at Costco of course.  I have three kids who eat me out of house and home and we need things in bulk, so I get our staple items there as it does tend to save me money.  Wait, is that the first thing I do?  No.  Before I go to Costco I make a list.  Without a list is it way too easy to leave with the whole store and then we defeat the purpose of trying to cut costs.  Just a second, how do I know what to put on my list?  I know, I meal plan... but how do I plan those meals?  Oh right, I look in my freezer and pantry first.  It doesn’t matter how often I say I don’t have ANY food, there’s always SOMETHING in there.  So you see, with all these things swirling around in my head I didn’t know how to start to answer the question, “how can I save money on my weekly groceries?”  SO, now that I have laid out the chaos, let’s bring some order to it, shall we?

Inventory Your Freezer and Pantry

The first thing I do before I ever set foot in a grocery store is make sure I know what I already have.  I am not saving ANY money if I have seven bottles of soy sauce hidden in the back of a cupboard somewhere.  I try to go through my deep freeze, inside freezer in the refrigerator and pantry about once a month just to make sure there isn’t anything in there I’ve forgotten about that is going to go bad.  This doesn’t have to take hours, just quickly pull it out and make sure you know what it is, it isn’t seriously freezer burnt (a vacuum sealer helps with this and is also how I save money on groceries, but that’s another topic), and jot down on a piece of paper what it is.  You don’t have to put it back in any order, we’re not talking about organization today, this is just freezer inventory.  At this point if there are items I think I am going to cook with this week I pull those out and put them in my refrigerator freezer because, for whatever reason, if they’re in the deep freeze I am less apt to use them and more likely to grab some already thawed products from the store for convenience.  I do the same thing with my pantry, making sure to move things around so I don’t have anything hidden that I might end  up buying in duplicate.  This is also a good opportunity to give the fridge a quick clean.  Pull out leftovers that might be starting a life of their own, free them into a more suitable environment (ie. Your organics bin) check what you have for produce, dairy, etc.  (Incidentally, unrelated to any of this, I also line my fridge shelves with Glad Press N Seal Wrap so when I clean out my fridge I just pull that up if it’s dirty and I never have to be embarrassed because somebody went into my dirty fridge... just a tip)

Meal Planning

Now that I know what I have for food already in my house I take a few minutes (or hours depending on my mood and how much time I actually have) and go through my cookbooks.  I love cookbooks, they’re a guilty pleasure of mine.  All those beautiful, vibrant pictures, mouth-watering ingredients and the feel of the printed pages, yeah the bookworm and foodie in me is in heaven.  I also have several (and by several I mean at least twenty) boards on Pintrest devoted to just food.  Casseroles, crockpot, breakfast, lunch, curries, etc.  So I take some time to go through the recipes and see what I already have the ingredients for.  I jot those down.  If I am missing an ingredient or two I begin a list of what I need, but at this stage I am still trying to make an entire meal plan based on what I already have in my fridge, freezer and pantry.  The less I have to buy, the less I have to spend of my grocery budget and the more money stays in my pocket.  My goal each week is to NOT SHOP.  There will always be certain items you need to replenish, milk, produce, etc, but if I can limit my shopping to those items I can manage an entire month of groceries for my family of five to UNDER $150.  (Bear in mind, I have been canning and freezer cooking for years and I have a WELL stocked freezer and pantry and I used to coupon, so we are STILL using up a lot of toiletry items I bought a few years ago at a FRACTION of their original cost, this also contributes to my grocery savings.  Also certain items I make myself so I don’t have to buy them so much, but that’s a whole other blog post). 

Back to the topic at hand.  I’m not going to tell you how to plan your meals for the week.  That’s ALSO another blog post, but I will say find a system that works for you and your lifestyle and DO plan ahead.  It DOES save money on groceries because if you’re planning what you’re going to eat and your plan doesn’t involve strawberries, you won’t be as tempted to buy those seven dollar strawberries on a whim.  This also means you’re not going to buy another bag of macaroni noodles because when you inventoried your pantry you found eight that you didn’t know you had and your meal plan involves only one so you’ll know you don’t need that macaroni even if it is a “really good deal”.  If you don’t NEED it there isn’t a price above free that is a “good deal”.  It is still money spent out of your budget that doesn’t need to be spent.

WRITE A LIST!! A REAL ONE!  WRITE IT DOWN!

I really emphasize this point.  There is nothing more frustrating than getting home after shopping and finding you forgot that ONE really important item you needed.  I know we’ve all done it.  Admit it, you went to the store for toilet paper, came home with milk, Cadbury mini eggs, a roast that was on for a super great price and tic tacs, ran into the house with your groceries at break-neck speed because you had to pee, sat down and remembered what you really went to the store for.  No?  Just me? Alrighty, moving on.  Learn from my mistakes: WRITE IT DOWN! 

In all seriousness though, a list is just as important a step as everything else has been up to this point.  First, if you’re meal planning there are going to be items you don’t have, it’s just inevitable.  You’re not going to remember all the ingredients, especially if they’re obscure, who remembers to buy liquid smoke?  Really?  What even IS liquid smoke?  A list also keeps you on task.  If you’ve got things written down (And I try to categorize my lists: produce, dairy, bakery, cans, frozen, etc) you can avoid wandering the entire store.  If you’re focused and you have a plan you’re less likely to stumble into the chips aisle and spend $10 on four bags of potato chips because a bright yellow sign told you that was a good price.  This is good for your budget AND your waistline.  Do not enter the store without a list.

Final Thoughts

Those are the main things I do to keep myself on task with the grocery budget.  These tips have literally kept food on my table during times when there were more bills than dollars in the bank.  Finally I also make sure I’m shopping at the most cost effective stores.  Costco for my staple items that I need in bulk (tomato sauce, diced canned tomatoes, pasta, etc), No Frills, Superstore, PriceSmart.. I avoid Safeway and specialty grocery stores if I can simply because I find the prices much higher, but if there is a good sale in the flyer I will go there.  I also make sure I utilize whatever points program or rewards program the store has.  I have gotten hundreds of dollars off my grocery bills over the years just by making sure I always have the card, app, whatever that I need to gain the most from their program.  I also try to buy my produce at Farmer’s Markets.  I have a higher chance of buying local, which I prefer to do, and I find the prices much more reasonable.  For example just this last week I saw Spartan apples at the grocery store for $1.39/lb, I went to the Farmer’s Market by me today (Two EE’s) and paid $0.59/lb.  I bought a twenty pound box.  I hope some of these tips help you stretch your dollar a little further this month.  Let me know what strategies and tricks you employ to keep your grocery bill lower. 

 

Number One: Write an "About Me" About Yourself

I am still determined to write more.  My biggest problem with writing lately is I feel like I'm too tired from all this "momming" to really feel passionate about things sometimes.  I used to get quite fired up about certain topics and would use writing as a tool to calm myself down.  I did some of my best writing when I was feeling highly emotional because I felt passionate about something.  These days, while my convictions haven't changed, I'm not feeling particularly revved up about any one topic.  It makes writing difficult.  So I am continuing on from yesterday and picking a topic from the blog I linked to yesterday.  Today's topic is:

Write an "About Me" About Yourself

I wasn't going to pick this topic.  There just seems something so narcissistic about writing an entire blog article about myself.  That's not what this writing project I've started is about; this is about getting back into writing and finding my passion for the written word again.  This is about relaxing and letting the words flow.  Nevertheless, as I read through the topics this evening, this is the only one which made me think past "nope".  Maybe its because I'm an introvert by nature, maybe it's because I'm not accustomed to opening up on such a public forum, but whatever the reason this topic I thought would be the last one I'd tackle.  However, I got to thinking about all the little quotes I have posted lately about being an introvert and conversations those quotes have started and thought maybe I would try simply explaining how this particular introvert operates.  I'm not going to write a long monologue about every nuance that makes up who I am, that would be creepy, but why not focus on one small part. 

I don't know how other people feel or what they think when they read something like this, I just know that when I read it I identified with nearly every part of it.  I have never understood why people automatically assume because one is introverted one is shy.  There are plenty of introverts who aren't shy.  I, however, do fall into the shy category.  This particular fact has, over the years, caused people to label me stuck up, rude, antisocial, cliquey, and devoid of personality.  There are a select few people in my very small circle who would tell you  that those things are simply not true.  It's not that I don't like people or that I don't want to include people in my "group", it's simply that I have a small group of people I have opened up to and the thought of being that open in front of someone I don't know well is utterly terrifying.  The hardest part of all of this, however, is because I don't open up to people I don't know, I'm not very good at convincing people that I'm not stuck up or exclusive.  Here's the kicker though, I SUCK at small talk.  Whenever I am faced with a situation where I have to engage in small talk I literally start to sweat.  I don't know what to say.  I feel immediately foolish and end up saying some ridiculously stupid things, or at least that's how it feels to me.  I am so unpracticed at the art of small talk that I find it utterly terrifying.  Now, bear in mind, I am as introverted as they come (though on a shy scale I would say I'm middle of the road shy, not cripplingly shy, but that's something I have actively worked on for the last fifteen years), not every introvert is going to feel as strongly as I feel about these things, and others might feel even stronger... But this is a blog about me.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  I am a people watcher.  I have been since I was a child.  You'd be surprised how much you can learn about someone before you meet them just by watching them (no, not in a creepy stalker way).  I find people fascinating.  Perhaps because I watch them interact with other people in a way I find almost mystical because they seem so at ease in situations that cause me to perspire and trip over my words.  Whatever the reason, I just love watching people.  Watching is how I have learned most things in my life anyway (just ask my sister about the first time I shot a pellet gun... or my archery award when we were kids... I was that annoying kid who would just watch everyone else, then decide I knew what I was doing, and then do it.. and do it pretty well), so the more I watch, I hope, the easier this whole small talking business will be for me in the future... (that's the theory anyway).  Now, just because I am lacking in the dreaded small talk category doesn't mean I don't like to talk.  On the contrary, I enjoy conversations with my friends.  My close friends would probably say I talk A LOT (though not as much as my twin sister).  I have been known to talk until the wee hours of the morning.  However, if the topic of that conversation has to revolve around the weather, little Billy's latest temperature or the price of tea in China, I'm practically mute, but you want to talk about real life things, get down to the nitty gritty, bare our souls and solve the world's problems, by all means, come on over (assuming we've taken the time to get to know one another slowly and you're one of my "inner circle"... and don't think that this "getting to know you" business will take place over night, it will likely take months to years of indirect interactions in environments which make me sweat before I will EVER open up on that level).  Those kind of interactions I find incredibly stimulating and downright energizing.  (Don't get me wrong, after said "energizing" chat I will still require a nap because social interactions cost me in a way they don't cost extraverts, but I'll still be buzzing while we're having our conversation). 

Finally, the last bit of that little graphic.  I had it pointed out to me, when I posted it on Facebook, that nobody (be they introvert or extravert) would like to be scolded or embarrassed in public.  I don't disagree with that statement whatsoever, however, I think the difference (at least for me) is the reaction to such an action.  I have been both embarrassed and scolded in public at different times in my life and I simply do NOT get over it like I've seen others do.  It's not that I hold a grudge, I'm not angry about it, it is simply I will not put myself in a situation where that could happen a second time.  I will completely remove myself from that environment even if it means never going to a particular establishment, workplace (I might have walked out midshift at a job because a manager belittled me in front of a customer... and to this day I don't regret that decision AND I've never been back), etc ever again.  I will likely avoid the individual who put me in that position for the rest of my life, not because I particularly dislike them, simply because I cannot bear the thought of repeating that situation.  An experience like that is not one I will get over or be able to look back on twenty years down the road and think, "oh well, life happens".  Whenever I remember such situations the feelings I had in that moment flood back so strongly it's as though I'm back in that moment.  My face goes red, my heart start to race, I feel sick to my stomach... and then I shudder and remind myself not to be in a situation that would elicit such feelings ever again.  I don't have an explanation for why I feel as strongly about this as I do.  I only know I've been like this as long as I can remember.  I can only assume I was born this way since I find it highly unlikely that some traumatic incident when I was two or three was the cause of such idiosyncrasies. 

So, that's a little about me.  It wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped it would be, but it gives a sketch of why I am the way I am at times.  To summarize.  I am not stuck up or antisocial.  Chances are if you think I am it's simply because I couldn't think of anything to say in the moment so I chose to say nothing at all rather than appear foolish.  Some days I can fake small talk better than others, but that's only because I am pretending to be my twin sister in my head and during each pause in that conversation I'm asking myself "what would my sister do right now?".  I spent the majority of my teen years in her shadow because she was simply much better at this small talk business and she's an extravert.  What better way to get to know people than to shadow your polar opposite and borrow some of her techniques?  I DO have a personality (despite having been told otherwise a time or two), I just don't broadcast a lot of it in crowded areas.  I am silly at times, though almost never in a public place.  I also have a sense of humor, though don't ask me to watch slapstick comedy I don't "get" it and I will stare with a completely unamused expression on my face and wonder what on EARTH is wrong with you that you think this is funny.  I DO care about things;  I care very deeply, often more deeply than I wish to admit.  I feel things quite strongly, I just choose not to display an emotional reaction at the time where others can observe and critique.  I enjoy other's company but often won't reach out to engage because I'm more comfortable at home and I don't crave social interaction like some do so I can go a long time without needing to get out.  I don't find silence awkward.  I enjoy silences. 

There you have it.  An entire blog entry about "Me"... or at least as much as I'm willing to reveal at this particular point in time. 

A Letter to my Teenage Self

I miss writing.  Writing used to be my outlet, the one place on earth I could be authentically me and not worry about what people thought or who they thought I should be.  I am not entirely sure where all my time goes, but it feels like it is slipping by so quickly I don't have a moment to just stop and enjoy some of the things that used to bring me such joy.  True, there are new things that bring me joy these days, my kids for example, but there is just something so sweet about letting your thoughts just flow and your fingers run along the keys and watching as one tiny thought tumbles into a thousand.  I love starting with just one small idea and winding up with something completely different than I intended.  I've decided to try to write more, if not every day then every week.  I was looking though blogs about writing the other week and I came across a blog with a list of things to write about.  I thought it looked like fun so I thought I'd try to go through the list and see where I end up. 

17. Write a letter to your teenage self

After going through the list, this is the item that piqued my interest.  I have talked about this indirectly over the years.  Of course, rather than a letter it was usually prefaced with, "If I could go back I'd tell myself..." or "If I only knew then..."  So let's see.  What would my thirty-one year old self love to go back and tell my teenage self.

Hey,
  So, how weird is this?  I'm writing me a letter.  I never really thought I would write myself a letter, but on the off chance we discover time travel one day, maybe you'll get the opportunity to learn from some of my mistakes before you make them yourself. 

So let me begin by saying, first of all, you're NOT ugly.  I know you've got this image in your head of the gangly girl with skinny, long legs and no shape, but don't worry, nobody else sees you that way.  Acne isn't the end of the world.  Don't eat salad for a year because some jerk told you that your face is broken out from too many burgers and too much chocolate. Trust me, it's not worth it and it doesn't work.  Invest in good cover up and don't worry, it will go away after you have your first baby. Incidentally, while it seems counterintuitive, moisturize.  Even oily skin needs proper care.

Second, don't date the first guy who asks, for that matter, don't date any of the ones who ask.  I know you think nobody is going to want you, but you have a lot to offer and no matter how you're feeling right now, you won't be alone forever.  You've got your whole life ahead of you, dating will happen.  You're smart, funny, and you've got a great smile, trust me, there's plenty of time for guys later.  For that matter, you've already got someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  Don't be afraid of what others will think, be bold and make a decision even if it seems scary.  But first, put that brain to good use, go to university and get that degree you want so badly.  I know you're scared, but the WORST thing that happens is you get a degree and don't get the grades you want.  You can learn anything you want to learn and the time is going to pass anyway.  Would you rather regret not having it?  Trust me on this one, you want that degree. 

Furthermore, travel.  Take a year, put your money away - you don't need to see that many movies anyway - and go to all the places (or at least ONE of the places) you've always wanted to see.  NOW is the time to do it.  You're young, single, and while it doesn't feel like it, you have no responsibilities yet.  Trust me, a cell phone is NOT a responsibility, it's an accessory and a very unnecessary one... at least it is now, later it will become an integral part of being a functioning member of society, but that's beside the point. 

Don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes.  You never know how much fun something will be until you try it.  It's alright to look foolish sometimes.  Dance.  It's fun.  Smile more.  Laugh.  Let go of the past, it will only hurt you and you'll have to let go sooner or later; sooner hurts less.  Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel about them, they'll never know if you don't tell them.  Don't be afraid to let people in, it's lonely if you don't.  Don't be afraid of people seeing who you really are, you'll never make friends if you don't open up.  Be genuine, it's okay to have weaknesses and make mistakes, nobody will love you less for it. 

Start a retirement fund ASAP and start building credit as soon as you can. Get into the housing market sooner rather than later. 

Don't EVER start smoking; quitting sucks and you will quit... and you'll hate every second of it and you'll regret ever having started, so it's just better not to go there. 

Most importantly, don't take yourself so seriously, nobody else does.  Relax, let people see that softer side you hide so well; be vulnerable.  You'll get hurt, that's just how life works, but the relationships you'll build along the way will outweigh that. 

Learn to say you're sorry, it's easier than you think it is, and even if it wasn't it makes marriage a whole lot easier. 

Don't EVER read a parenting book.  It will make you second guess everything you think you know about parenting and in the end you're gonna do it your own way anyway. 

Let go of the negative things people have spoken over you over the years; they were said out of ignorance and those people know nothing about you anyway.  Hold onto the promises you know are true.  Seek wisdom and understanding, exercise compassion, be kind, and love largely.  If you start these things now you won't have to start learning them later, they'll just be a part of who you are.  Trust me, I'll thank you later. 

* * * * *

What would YOU say to your teenage self?

New Year Reflections

I used to laugh at New Year's Resolutions.  I gave up on them for a long time and told myself it was because nobody kept those stupid things anyway so why bother.  I don't know when my mind changed exactly, but as we head into a new year I find myself reflecting on where this year has brought me and where 2016 will lead.  I was thinking about my previous belief that resolutions were a waste of time and something to be ridiculed, but then I had a thought; if I don't set a goal at all, what am I working towards?  Where is the motivation to be better?  What will I strive for?  Sure, I don't always succeed in every endeavor in my life, but if I give up entirely I've gained nothing.  I've lost the opportunity to pick myself up and try again.  I've lost the chance to do better next time.  I've lost the motivation to keep trying.  I don't ever want to reach a point in my life where I am not striving for something bigger and better.  If I gave up on that life wouldn't be very exciting. 

So with that in mind I've been reflecting on this last year:

• My oldest turned six
• My middle turned five
• My youngest turned two
• My husband and I have been married for seven years
• My husband started working for a new company
• I went to Las Vegas
• I officially entered the realm of "in my 30's" when I turned 31
• My husband turned 33
• I now have two children in school
• My two older children learned how to swim

These seem like small things, maybe even boring, but they're my world.  I realized while I was thinking about all the things that have transpired this year that for the first time I am completely content to focus on my family.  I used to have this drive to be or do "something" and maybe I will, but for this time and this season my role is wife and mom and for the first time in my life I'm more than okay with that. 

2015 was an interesting year, to put it mildly.  It was spent getting to know my family.  Seems like a strange concept, but I feel like in the busy world that we live in we often live with people but we don't necessarily LIVE with them.  We live our lives separately and we drift apart until even our own children are strangers.  I realized when I was registering my middle daughter for Kindergarten that if I didn't purpose to get to know who she was as an individual she would grow up and I wouldn't know her at all.  She and her brother spend the better portion of their day in a building with other people.  I see them briefly in the morning for breakfast and then in the afternoon we do homework and sports.  Evening is dinner and bed.  Weekends are not always spent together.  My oldest goes away every other weekend and then there are times when my kids see friends or family.  If I don't make it my intention to make the times I have with my kids quality time, they'll grow up and I won't even know who they've become.  The same goes for my husband.  It's amazing how I can live with this man, but then realize that two days have gone by and we haven't had a meaningful conversation in three days.  Gratefully, that isn't the case anymore because we have both made it a priority to talk to one another and now it is just natural to have conversation, but it is interesting that we even had to do that.  Why is it that the relationships which are the most important are the ones which we take for granted?  My husband and I talked about dogs this evening.  It wasn't a deep or insightful conversation, but you know what I enjoyed about it most?  The fact that I was talking about my opinions and thoughts with my best friend.  It was fun engaging in a conversation that had no weight to it; hearing his thoughts and sharing mine and laughing like we used to when we were kids.  I don't think we could have said that two years ago because we weren't purposefully including one another in our lives, we were just living together.  It isn't as though some catastrophic thing happened, we just let our guard down and didn't see how a lack of communication and purpose was slowly eroding the intimacy that comes with being husband and wife.  I am grateful that isn't the case anymore and I can laugh and talk with my best friend and husband. 

These are things I have been reflecting on over New Years.  A conversation with my five year old on New Year's Eve got me thinking about perspective and attitude, it went like this:

Me:  do you know what the date is today?
 Five Year Old: It's December 31st 2015
Me: That's right! And do you know what the date is tomorrow?
 Five Year Old: Umm.. no?
Me: Tomorrow is January 1st 2016
 Five Year Old: So?
Me: So? SO?! Do you know what will happen in 2016??
[Five Year Old shakes her head]
Me: In 2106 Oldest will turn seven! In 2016 Youngest will turn three! In 2016 you will turn six! In 2016 Mommy will turn 32 and Daddy will turn 34! In 2016 Mommy and Daddy will have been married for eight years!
[Five Year Old throws her arms around me a squeals in delight]
 Five Year Old: I'm SO excited for 2016 Mommy!!! I can't wait! This is going to be the BEST YEAR EVER!!!

Watching as that conversation changed her attitude towards the upcoming new year made me realize I can learn from a five year old.  I decided after that little exchange that I am going to make 2016 the year I choose to change my perspective.  I have no idea what 2016 will hold, but I know there will be change.  Some good, some likely uncomfortable, but for me it will be a year where I choose.  Choose to look at the positive things in my life like my beautiful family.  Choose to engage with each member of my family and not just exist together as a unit.  Choose to get to know each of my children as the individuals they are and not just rush through the day surviving until bedtime.  I saw an acquaintance on facebook talking about what their "word" is for the new year.  My word for 2016, or my theme if you will, is choice.  We always have choices and this year I will choose purpose, positivity, patience, perspective, passion, and people.  What will you choose this year?