Well, here I am.. 30 years old and still fighting the same battle I have fought almost my entire life. I have tried many different strategies and had varying results, but almost always I fall off and go right back to the beginning. What battle is that, you ask? My battle with weight. Now I'm sure you're nodding your head, because what woman doesn't understand that battle? If you've seen me in person, however, you're likely rolling your eyes. Why? Because I am just over 5'9.5" and ridiculously thin. Therein lies the problem. Ridiculously thin. Try 105lbs thin. Now those who were sympathizing just began hating me instead. I know, it's a reaction I've grown accustomed to. My girlfriends tell me on a regular basis, "you know I hate you right?" or "I'd love to have your problem" in a sarcastic tone. Perhaps that's why I don't have a lot of girlfriends.... but I digress. Being underweight is a REAL struggle. Since having my third baby I have had a much harder time keeping weight on than I did before. Prebaby I would sit at about 110lbs, which is still well below ideal, but still manageable. However I find my body prefers to drop weight rather than gain. That's why I started this blog to begin with. When I went gluten free it was yet another avenue I was exploring to help me with my weight problem. It helped, a bit, but then I fell off when I got pregnant with my third baby and started eating whatever struck my fancy. Afterall, if this was going to be my last pregnancy, I was going to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Unfortunately I didn't foresee the many other health complications that would hinder me in my "enjoyment" of said pregnancy... nevertheless, the food was fantastic. So, like I was saying, I have struggled to keep weight on since I can remember but only in the last two years has that really bothered me. As often happens with pregnancy, my body has changed significantly... I expected that. What I didn't expect was to lost nearly thirty pounds post pregnancy and be left with a body that resembled a sadly deflated balloon. I didn't expect to look into the full length mirror in a change room two years after the birth of my last baby and burst into tears as a sickly, anorexic-looking, haggard woman stared back. I didn't expect to walk out of a building only to have some 20-something year old puke tell me to "buy a scale, skeleton"... Yes, that really happened. I didn't expect that while I'm trying to teach my kids that we're all different and it doesn't matter what people look like that I would be fighting my own battle with self-loathing. I didn't expect to be the skinny girl wearing the layers to try to look bigger. The struggle is real people and while I can't speak to the struggles of being overweight, I imagine the feeling is much the same.
So.. I've changed my diet, again, in hopes of gaining some much needed weight ... I'm going to commit to actively following a rigid food regime for the next 30 days and then we'll see how the clothes are fitting and what the scale says. Wouldn't it be weird if I hit 130lbs without a baby in my stomach? That would be uncharted territory! .. and wonderful... I'm trying to be realistic in my expectations, but I can't help but hang my hopes on the thought that maybe this time is "it".... weight.. insecurity... self-loathing... isn't being a woman grand? ..
