In the groove.

Well, I'm finally back into the swing of this whole "school" thing. The only hard part about doing an online course (besides the whole part of it being "online" and WAY too easy to put on the back burner) is when you finally get yourself in a groove and start banging out assignments... you have to wait for it to come in the mail! I've gone through the three book packs I had here at the house.. now I'm staring at the next section on my computer monitor and the screen is bleakly telling me that the "shipment is processing".. ugh!! However, I COULD use this time productively and go through the book packs I just finished and highlight important information I will need in the future for exams... but I've never been that kind of a student. I'm a "sit down, git r dun" kinda gal.. I don't like to piddle around with silly details like study notes. LoL. In all seriousness though, I love school, but something about an online course takes the love out of it for me. I think I like the culture that goes with school. I like walking into the big stone buildings, the smell of the textbooks, the rustle of papers, the professor standing at the front of the classroom or lecture hall. I miss the intimidation of a huge project due at the end of the term coupled with the anticipation that by the end of term that project won't be intimidating because I'll have learned the steps to complete it by then. While I am doing this course, it is merely a means to an end. I want to generate an income, but I also want to stay home and raise my kids. This is how I decided to do that. I don't remember how I heard about ICS, but I researched and googled and made sure they were who they said they were. I made sure they weren't some sort of scam company that was going to bamboozle me out of my hard earned cash and run away without giving me anything but a bad taste in my mouth... I could find nothing negative about them. On the contrary, I found them listed on several legitimate provincial websites... for what, I forget now.. but they're legit.

So after all my research I figured I would wait and save up the money to pay for my course up front because, of course, everyone gouges you with "payment plans".. or do they? ICS actually only charges an extra $60 on their tuition cost if you choose to do a payment plan, or at least that's what it cost when I was looking into it. Payment plan here I come! I can certainly afford $69/month for the next two years.

Now I did take into account the negative feedback when it came to whether or not they were any good at providing tutors/supplemental help, etc. and there were quite a few people upset because it wasn't offered or was hard to come by... I took into account that ninety percent of the reviews that I read seemed to be written by individuals who's first language was NOT English and as I have a relatively firm grasp on English I'd be willing to take my chances. The true test will come when I try to get a job in the field, we'll see what kind of resources they offer in the realm of job placement.

Anyway, I hadn't touched my course in a few months, such is the danger of working online with ambiguous deadlines, but decided that if I ever want to starting bringing money in from home, then I needed to get my head on straight and start doing something practical about it. Yeah, I've done some mystery shopping and that brought in some cash when we needed it, but i'm just not cut out for mystery shopping. I'm not a shopper! ... so we're just over 1/3 done now... but the hard part is coming up soon.. the medical terminology... ohhhhh...

Anyway, just a quick little blurb.. I said I wanted to start working on my course again and I have.. yay me... I've found that if I don't expect myself to be perfect everyday, I have more success and I tend to be more content in those successes... so yesterday I did my hair and makeup, got up before nine, did devotions and cleaned my kitchen.. today I didn't do my hair or makeup, but I got up before nine and did a crap load of schoolwork (hence no hair or makeup, I was busy being a student..).. I'm learning to cut myself slack where slack is due, and kick myself in the butt when I need to... its all a process.. but that seems to be what this year is about.. processes.

eureka

Well, its been a while since I posted. I never have been good at writing consistently in a blog or a diary of any kind, but that's alright.. I've been doing fairly well at keeping up with what I've been wanting to do.. well, except for working out, I haven't worked out once since I started this, but I plan to start that this week. It's been busy since my last entry, Isaiah's 2nd birthday was on Saturday so I was getting ready for that. I just kept it to family basically, but there were still seventeen people in my livingroom, so that took some pretty creative rearranging, but we managed. I think I managed to get it set so it didn't feel too cramped, I took all the toys out of my livingroom and had the couches and chairs around the perimeter of the room, so that definitely made getting around a lot easier.

So I've been doing a Bible study by Beth Moore, she is one of my all time favorite Christian authors. She just writes in such a refreshing style. Reading one of her books is much like sitting down and having coffee with a girlfriend, she's just so real. One of her books that I would highly recommend is called "Get Out of that Pit".. it was an awesome, eye-opening book. She talks about how we get stuck in proverbial "pits" in our life, and about how there are three different kinds, one's we slip into, one's we're pushed into, and one's we willingly jump into... definitely worth reading! Anyway, I've been doing her David study... you know, we all grew up with the story David and Goliath and we all know the story of David and Bathsheba, but Beth Moore really gets you thinking critically and putting it into the context of "this really happened" as opposed to it being just a good story in an old book. I was reading about Goliath and how huge he was. You know he was over nine feet tall? His armor weighed more than I do! It was the weight of TWO of me actually! ... and David, then a teenager, walked up to him confidently with five little stones, a slingshot and NO armor and killed him. I mean, just taking a moment to think about the magnitude of that is humbling. I can NOT imagine walking up to someone who is nearly four feet taller than me and carrying a sword AND a javelin, with only a slingshot, and boldly telling him that God would give me the victory. It got me thinking about the "giants" in my own life. The battles I have right now that just seem so overwhelming... it made me stop and consider just where I was putting my faith. I get overwhelmed and frightened and I allow myself to cower in fear, but I've got the same God today that David had with Goliath... and when David walked up to Goliath he was NOT timid about what he was there to do... he walked up to him and BOLDLY told him that God would deliver him into his hand that day... I mean, can you IMAGINE saying that? He had an understanding of who God is that I want. I think the "ah ha" came when I realized, I CAN have that... That's what God wants for us, he wants us to know he's there for us in our battles, that they're not our fights, they're his.. and if we would just allow him to work in our circumstances he would bring down the Goliaths in our lives too.
However, it's easy to have a eureka moment, I find it quite difficult to allow myself to reside in that moment. I know where my faith should be, I know God is bigger, but I get stuck in what I can and can't see and then panic. My endeavor is, however, to remember that God is big enough and powerful enough in ALL areas of my life. I was talking to someone a little while ago and she was telling me about something she'd heard about the scripture that says "be anxious for nothing, but in all things, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving bring your requests to God. And the Peace which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7) She was talking about how in the Greek (or Hebrew, I forget) the phrase "Be anxious for nothing" was actually a verb. Now being fascinated by linguistics my ears perked up and I started thinking about the sentence structure. "BE anxious" means you're ACTIVELY doing something, so "Be anxious for nothing"... that means we've got to consciously act on it. Anxiety is something that comes naturally, but to be anxious for nothing takes work. When I was in Bible College (for a VERY short stint) I was taking a Bible Research course, and they taught us to take special notice of certain words when we were reading. The word AND after it says to bring our requests to God... its not a condition, its a promise...but it requires an action on my part. So God promises that IF I bring my requests to him with thanksgiving, he WILL guard my heart and my mind. I think I get so caught up sometimes in how bad things can get that I forget to go to God with them. I allow myself to stress till I'm physically ill, and its not good. So my plan for this week is to remind myself when I'm stressing, to just take a minute out and thank God that HE is in control, not me, and that He has promised to work "all things together for good to them that love [Him]..." (Romans 8:28).

So, as we can see, I have been keeping up on my devotions, not "everyday", but I've definitely done better in the last few weeks than I have in the last few years. It is definitely something I need lately. I don't know how to cope without it right now.

Anyway, besides that... I was chatting with a girlfriend on Friday night, we got to talking about writing. I can't remember how the topic came up, but it did, and we wound up digging out some of my old writings... dating all the way back to 1996!! Lol, I was just a little kid! Some of them were hilarious, my messy scrawl on these diary pages, each entry labeled "Dear Diary"... then they moved on to some very personal and heart rending entries I'd written later in my life during some very broken times... then we moved on to some of my writing from college. It was a blast! I'd forgotten how much my writing style has changed since college, my vocabulary has slipped astronomically! My sentence structure was just so elegant at times. I think I would definitely like to go through and try to arrange my writings chronologically and perhaps get them into the computer and compile a complete set, arranging them by type and date. I have some prose, some poetry... a bit of everything really. I am quite excited about the idea of perhaps starting some writing again. I mean, something other than just blogging... just writing from my heart.. its been a long time!

It's a long road

I got myself up before nine this morning... I was just squeaking in at 8:59 .. however, be that as it may.. I DID IT!

I also got myself and the kids dressed and not only did my hair and put on mascara, I also put on blush and lip gloss.. LOL *pats herself on the back*

I've also begun my deep clean of the house. Today I started on my kitchen. Originally when I set the goal to deep clean one room a week, I had it in my mind that I'd take one day and whiz through it and be done for the rest of the week, but i don't think that's how its going to go now that I've started. I got all the cosmetic things done in the kitchen. The clutter has been removed and a few of the cupboards have been reorganized, but I think I want to do more. I don't want it to feel like my kitchen at the end of this. I want to feel like an entirely new kitchen... so I'm giving myself until Saturday at midnight to purge the cupboards, get everything that I don't want or don't use and pack it into boxes to donate to the thrift store and totally revamp my kitchen... hopefully I'm happy with it at the end of this... then we'll be on to the next room.

I have to say, I'm encouraged after today. Granted, I haven't worked out yet this week... but I don't expect myself to be perfect in all areas. I know this is a process and the whole point in this is to work towards an end goal.. however, by keeping this blog I've been keeping up with one of my goals by default, granted, this is not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to start "writing" again.. for now, I'll cut myself some slack. I've really set some high standards for myself with this, but there were a lot of areas I felt needed addressing. I am tired of just existing and not living. I'm tired of allowing those in my life who have done me wrong to have the victory because they've stolen the very thing that makes me, me.. the essence of who I am.. my will to BE.

With that in mind today I forced myself to sit down and eat two actual meals. It's so hard to do.. I always have meals made for Isaiah, but to sit down and eat something myself... I have this underlying anxiety all the time that kills my appetite and makes the thought of eating slightly revolting, but I don't want to get to the point where I feel a medical intervention would be necessary, so this morning I made myself Eggs in a basket, toad in a hole, and bacon.. (nothing like making your meal gimmicky to make it more appealing) and for dinner, nothing exciting, Chili and Rice.. but I did it.. I ate twice. LOL

Life's not a box of chocolates...

While Forrest Gump might have been right about never knowing what you're going to get out life's box of chocolates... I tend to disagree that life is anything like a box of chocolate... afterall, chocolate is sweet and tasty. Chocolate is seductive and satisfying... and often life is... NOT.

There, I got my initial rant out of the way... I've been sitting down to write this blog all week... and it just hasn't happened. I haven't had any motivation or inspiration to write anything. I know what I SHOULD write... I know I want this to be upbeat and encouraging and wonderful... but I'd have to lie my way through it... and while I may be a great many things, liar is not one of them.

Setting goals was something I'm not prone to do. I don't like feeling like a failure and if I don't set expectations of myself I tend to be "happier".. in theory. I don't find that not having set goals made me any happier, but now that I've set them I have a measuring stick by which I measure my life, and that doesn't make me much happier either!

This hasn't been a very good week for me. Right after making a commitment to myself to make changes in my life everyone seemed to get sick. Isaiah had a nasty flu, and I forget what the final count was.. but I think I changed something like 5 sets of sheets in about as many hours. That made for a very long night... and then the following day I was down with the flu... there is nothing worse than having 2 grumpy babies and the flu... so that set me back a bit. On the upside Garren was able to have Friday evening, most of Saturday and all of Sunday off work, so that's a change for us.. but by Monday he was down with the flu... so its been a draining week... Isaiah is still quite grumpy after his bout with the flu so that is not making things any easier..

However, a very long week has left time for a lot of reflection, if nothing else. I said in my first post that I would probably add to my list of goals... and after this last week I know what I need to add to my list... so now my list looks like this.

1. Spend time doing devotions every day
2. Go to church regularly
3. Begin writing again
4. Get up before nine every day
5. Work out 3 days a week
6. Clean at least one room, deep, per week
7. Finish my Medical Transcription Course
8. Eat at least two full meals a day
9. Take the time everyday to do at least do my hair and put on mascara

The last two seem so trivial.. but they're not for me. I have a lot of stress in my life and I'm not very good at managing stress. I find it gets to be overwhelming and paralyzing. I put on a brave face and say I'm doing alright, but the truth is its tearing me apart from the inside out. I've always been VERY good at internalizing, not with everything, just with the things that I think will make people worry about me. I feel the need to be "strong" all the time and I'm quickly learning that I am NOT strong enough. I never will be... however, it was during this last week that I realized I need to work on how I manage stress. Its perfectly alright to HAVE stress, but I have to learn how to manage it without it totally destroying my life. If I continue to live like I don't have a life, then I let those that cause the stress win. I would rather walk through life with my head held high and a sense of accomplishment than skulk around like a kicked puppy.

My first coping mechanism when it comes to stress is very much just a built in habit that I've had since I was quite young... I just don't eat. It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever, there's no rhyme or reason behind it... I just lose my appetite and can't be bothered to force myself to eat because I'm totally overwhelmed with whatever the stress is at the moment. I know its not healthy, and I know there are some who would slap a label on that... I need to get a handle on it before none of my clothes fit. I'm a size zero. I know a lot of women would love to say that... but its not a good thing. Zero is not a healthy number for someone who is 5'9" ... I haven't stepped on a scale lately, but last time I checked I was 110 lbs... not my ideal weight, and I know I've lost weight since then. Hence my goal to eat at least 2 meals a day, even just those I know I would gain weight, cause right now, I can't honestly say I always eat that many times a day. I know my family wouldn't be thrilled to be reading this, but I think I could honestly say, if my husband isn't home, I eat an average of one meal a day... and I use the term "meal" loosely... a peanut butter sandwich... a toaster pastry.. both could constitute a "meal". This is an area I'm not willing to ignore anymore... so I'm going to be keeping track of my meals and weight gain and hopefully in a few weeks I'll have something encouraging to report.

As well, my final goal, to do my hair and at least put on Mascara everyday. I used to take a lot of pride in looking nice. I didn't have to look like Barbie or anything, but I always had nice makeup and did my hair. Now I wear makeup maybe 4 times a month and its rare for me to "do" my hair. It usually gets brushed, or thrown in a bun at the top of my head in a heap. I use the excuse "I"m a mom, I don't have time".. but that's no excuse to let yourself be a slob! I've become the antithesis of everything I used to be. I'm a tired, underweight, dowdy mom. I used to say I wanted to be a "hip" mom. Well letting myself look one step above street bum is NOT the way to go about it.

Putting on makeup makes me feel better. I'm sure there is some psychological research that goes along with this, but I don't know it... however, I know from experience that if I take the time to at least put on mascara I feel more confident and better in general. I don't feel insecure and frumpy when I go out. I don't walk with my eyes on the ground. I don't know why mascara can make such a difference, but it does.

So there we have it... two things I'm working on... While I did have a very poor start, I did manage two days of devotions, but the flu cancelled any plans of going to church, but that's alright. I didn't set goals to be perfect, but to have something to strive for.... so here's to striving!

New Years Resolution... a little late, but who cares?

Well, this year I resolved not to make a resolution. I've actually done great at it all month. I haven't slipped up once! However, I have decided that resolving not to resolve is highly over-rated. Sure, I've done great at committing not to commit... but I'm no happier for it. There is no great sense of accomplishment by not accomplishing anything simply because I resolved not to accomplish it. So I've chosen to make a resolution, and just in time for Chinese New Year... so I'm not late afterall!

A friend of mine started a blog about, well a myriad of things, but the central theme is her goals for 2011 and her progress throughout. I have been following her blog and must admit it is what prompted me to start my own. I found it inspired me to actually set goals for 2011 and endeavor to achieve them.

I'm not sure where this blog will take me, as I'm not sure where my year is going, but it will be an interesting journey, I'm sure. My life is rarely boring. I can't say my life has been "fun" as of late, but it is most definitely not boring.

As I was sitting here thinking about what goals I would like to accomplish this year I hit a bit of a wall. I have no idea what I want from this year; what I want from my life; what I want to learn... but it just so happens that I have started this Bible Study called "A Heart Like His" by Beth Moore and the first page was about goals... though totally unrelated to the study, I was able to come up with my own list and I'm sure I'll add to it as the year progresses.

To date my goals are:

1. Spend time doing devotions every day
2. Go to church regularly
3. Begin writing again
4. Get up before nine every day
5. Work out 3 days a week
6. Clean at least one room, deep, per week
7. Finish my Medical Transcription Course

They all seem like small things, but in my life they tend to be mountains. My first goal is one of the things I've found hardest to keep up with. I always have the best of intentions, but unfortunately I lack follow through. Its not that I'm not interested, I am... but I always find an excuse as to why I'm too busy to spend more than five minutes reading. (funny, I have at least 45 minutes to watch my show on TV). After spending time thinking about where I spend time I realized I'm never going to "have" time for any of the important things unless I make them important in my schedule. This was my first goal because, in my experience, when I have been consistent in this area of my life I tend to be happier. I am more at peace with where I am in my life and I have far less anxiety over things. Currently being in a rather hard place in my life, going through a rather nasty custody battle, anxiety is something which is easy to come by. I could use a little peace in my life.

As for my second goal, it ties hand in hand with my first, and for the same reasons. I know that when I go to church regularly I just feel so much better and the weight that tends to sit on my chest everyday doesn't seem as heavy. Also, I think that perhaps by going regularly I'll be able to start making some friends there, and it would be really nice to get to know some people at my church. Having come from a church where I knew everyone from childhood, it can be challenging to go to a church where I know practically nobody.

Third, writing. I used to write all the time. I wrote prose, poetry, ... whatever came to mind. I used it as my outlet, my way of letting go. I used writing to process; to express myself; to grieve; to rejoice.. writing has been a huge tool in my life, but I've lost touch and would like to start again. There's a lot bottled up inside that really needs to get out and writing is an effective medium for me to "let go".

Fourth, getting up before nine... I"m NOT a morning person. Even when Isaiah comes in at some horrible hour I will not really get "up"... I'll get him his breakfast and do all the necessary things, but I won't really wake myself up for any of it. I'll be thoroughly unproductive and in a groggy state for quite a while, not forcing myself to do anything and then I feel awful when my day seems to pass so quickly. I'm tired of feeling like I've lost time or like my life is slipping away from me. Things pass so quickly, I don't want to waste time "sleeping" or just being tuned out.

Five: Working out 3 days a week. I need a few more endorphins flowing through my body these days. I think it would be quite healthy for me to work out. If only to get rid of the headache I've had since the beginning of November. I talked to my doctor about, what I'm beginning to call, my perma-headache and he said its a "tension headache"... "stretch and apply heat"... well so far that particular method of pain management has done jack-all, but I'd like to start working out and see if we can't kick this headache in the pants, I'm SO done having a headache. There is nothing more debilitating than having a headache EVERY SINGLE day.

Six: Clean at least one room, deep, per week. This one will make a huge difference in how I feel about myself and where I live. I always feel hemmed in and cluttered. While I tend to "purge" on a regular basis, there is always a long list of things I "don't have time" to do. I want to spend this year getting them done so that at the end of this major purge I like how my house looks and I don't feel as though I have "junk" shoved in some dark corner somewhere. If I do this once a week, then all the things I've still got cause I'm afraid to get rid of them, eventually I'll have to get rid of cause there'll be nothing else left! lol

Seven: And finally, finishing my course. I've been at it a year and I'm not quite half done yet. I have another year before I"d have to pay to get an extension and I refuse to pay more. I want to get this done so I can start working from home and making a second income for us. I would LOVE to be able to contribute to the finances in ways other than clipping coupons and finding deals. I want to feel like I'm helping to build a financial future for us as a family. I don't want to leave the entire financial burden on my husband.. the sooner I can help, the sooner he can get out of truck driving (fingers crossed).

Well there you have it... my goals for this year..

And my son is awake, so I guess that's the end of this entry!!