Number One: Write an "About Me" About Yourself

I am still determined to write more.  My biggest problem with writing lately is I feel like I'm too tired from all this "momming" to really feel passionate about things sometimes.  I used to get quite fired up about certain topics and would use writing as a tool to calm myself down.  I did some of my best writing when I was feeling highly emotional because I felt passionate about something.  These days, while my convictions haven't changed, I'm not feeling particularly revved up about any one topic.  It makes writing difficult.  So I am continuing on from yesterday and picking a topic from the blog I linked to yesterday.  Today's topic is:

Write an "About Me" About Yourself

I wasn't going to pick this topic.  There just seems something so narcissistic about writing an entire blog article about myself.  That's not what this writing project I've started is about; this is about getting back into writing and finding my passion for the written word again.  This is about relaxing and letting the words flow.  Nevertheless, as I read through the topics this evening, this is the only one which made me think past "nope".  Maybe its because I'm an introvert by nature, maybe it's because I'm not accustomed to opening up on such a public forum, but whatever the reason this topic I thought would be the last one I'd tackle.  However, I got to thinking about all the little quotes I have posted lately about being an introvert and conversations those quotes have started and thought maybe I would try simply explaining how this particular introvert operates.  I'm not going to write a long monologue about every nuance that makes up who I am, that would be creepy, but why not focus on one small part. 

I don't know how other people feel or what they think when they read something like this, I just know that when I read it I identified with nearly every part of it.  I have never understood why people automatically assume because one is introverted one is shy.  There are plenty of introverts who aren't shy.  I, however, do fall into the shy category.  This particular fact has, over the years, caused people to label me stuck up, rude, antisocial, cliquey, and devoid of personality.  There are a select few people in my very small circle who would tell you  that those things are simply not true.  It's not that I don't like people or that I don't want to include people in my "group", it's simply that I have a small group of people I have opened up to and the thought of being that open in front of someone I don't know well is utterly terrifying.  The hardest part of all of this, however, is because I don't open up to people I don't know, I'm not very good at convincing people that I'm not stuck up or exclusive.  Here's the kicker though, I SUCK at small talk.  Whenever I am faced with a situation where I have to engage in small talk I literally start to sweat.  I don't know what to say.  I feel immediately foolish and end up saying some ridiculously stupid things, or at least that's how it feels to me.  I am so unpracticed at the art of small talk that I find it utterly terrifying.  Now, bear in mind, I am as introverted as they come (though on a shy scale I would say I'm middle of the road shy, not cripplingly shy, but that's something I have actively worked on for the last fifteen years), not every introvert is going to feel as strongly as I feel about these things, and others might feel even stronger... But this is a blog about me.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  I am a people watcher.  I have been since I was a child.  You'd be surprised how much you can learn about someone before you meet them just by watching them (no, not in a creepy stalker way).  I find people fascinating.  Perhaps because I watch them interact with other people in a way I find almost mystical because they seem so at ease in situations that cause me to perspire and trip over my words.  Whatever the reason, I just love watching people.  Watching is how I have learned most things in my life anyway (just ask my sister about the first time I shot a pellet gun... or my archery award when we were kids... I was that annoying kid who would just watch everyone else, then decide I knew what I was doing, and then do it.. and do it pretty well), so the more I watch, I hope, the easier this whole small talking business will be for me in the future... (that's the theory anyway).  Now, just because I am lacking in the dreaded small talk category doesn't mean I don't like to talk.  On the contrary, I enjoy conversations with my friends.  My close friends would probably say I talk A LOT (though not as much as my twin sister).  I have been known to talk until the wee hours of the morning.  However, if the topic of that conversation has to revolve around the weather, little Billy's latest temperature or the price of tea in China, I'm practically mute, but you want to talk about real life things, get down to the nitty gritty, bare our souls and solve the world's problems, by all means, come on over (assuming we've taken the time to get to know one another slowly and you're one of my "inner circle"... and don't think that this "getting to know you" business will take place over night, it will likely take months to years of indirect interactions in environments which make me sweat before I will EVER open up on that level).  Those kind of interactions I find incredibly stimulating and downright energizing.  (Don't get me wrong, after said "energizing" chat I will still require a nap because social interactions cost me in a way they don't cost extraverts, but I'll still be buzzing while we're having our conversation). 

Finally, the last bit of that little graphic.  I had it pointed out to me, when I posted it on Facebook, that nobody (be they introvert or extravert) would like to be scolded or embarrassed in public.  I don't disagree with that statement whatsoever, however, I think the difference (at least for me) is the reaction to such an action.  I have been both embarrassed and scolded in public at different times in my life and I simply do NOT get over it like I've seen others do.  It's not that I hold a grudge, I'm not angry about it, it is simply I will not put myself in a situation where that could happen a second time.  I will completely remove myself from that environment even if it means never going to a particular establishment, workplace (I might have walked out midshift at a job because a manager belittled me in front of a customer... and to this day I don't regret that decision AND I've never been back), etc ever again.  I will likely avoid the individual who put me in that position for the rest of my life, not because I particularly dislike them, simply because I cannot bear the thought of repeating that situation.  An experience like that is not one I will get over or be able to look back on twenty years down the road and think, "oh well, life happens".  Whenever I remember such situations the feelings I had in that moment flood back so strongly it's as though I'm back in that moment.  My face goes red, my heart start to race, I feel sick to my stomach... and then I shudder and remind myself not to be in a situation that would elicit such feelings ever again.  I don't have an explanation for why I feel as strongly about this as I do.  I only know I've been like this as long as I can remember.  I can only assume I was born this way since I find it highly unlikely that some traumatic incident when I was two or three was the cause of such idiosyncrasies. 

So, that's a little about me.  It wasn't as enlightening as I had hoped it would be, but it gives a sketch of why I am the way I am at times.  To summarize.  I am not stuck up or antisocial.  Chances are if you think I am it's simply because I couldn't think of anything to say in the moment so I chose to say nothing at all rather than appear foolish.  Some days I can fake small talk better than others, but that's only because I am pretending to be my twin sister in my head and during each pause in that conversation I'm asking myself "what would my sister do right now?".  I spent the majority of my teen years in her shadow because she was simply much better at this small talk business and she's an extravert.  What better way to get to know people than to shadow your polar opposite and borrow some of her techniques?  I DO have a personality (despite having been told otherwise a time or two), I just don't broadcast a lot of it in crowded areas.  I am silly at times, though almost never in a public place.  I also have a sense of humor, though don't ask me to watch slapstick comedy I don't "get" it and I will stare with a completely unamused expression on my face and wonder what on EARTH is wrong with you that you think this is funny.  I DO care about things;  I care very deeply, often more deeply than I wish to admit.  I feel things quite strongly, I just choose not to display an emotional reaction at the time where others can observe and critique.  I enjoy other's company but often won't reach out to engage because I'm more comfortable at home and I don't crave social interaction like some do so I can go a long time without needing to get out.  I don't find silence awkward.  I enjoy silences. 

There you have it.  An entire blog entry about "Me"... or at least as much as I'm willing to reveal at this particular point in time.