While Forrest Gump might have been right about never knowing what you're going to get out life's box of chocolates... I tend to disagree that life is anything like a box of chocolate... afterall, chocolate is sweet and tasty. Chocolate is seductive and satisfying... and often life is... NOT.
There, I got my initial rant out of the way... I've been sitting down to write this blog all week... and it just hasn't happened. I haven't had any motivation or inspiration to write anything. I know what I SHOULD write... I know I want this to be upbeat and encouraging and wonderful... but I'd have to lie my way through it... and while I may be a great many things, liar is not one of them.
Setting goals was something I'm not prone to do. I don't like feeling like a failure and if I don't set expectations of myself I tend to be "happier".. in theory. I don't find that not having set goals made me any happier, but now that I've set them I have a measuring stick by which I measure my life, and that doesn't make me much happier either!
This hasn't been a very good week for me. Right after making a commitment to myself to make changes in my life everyone seemed to get sick. Isaiah had a nasty flu, and I forget what the final count was.. but I think I changed something like 5 sets of sheets in about as many hours. That made for a very long night... and then the following day I was down with the flu... there is nothing worse than having 2 grumpy babies and the flu... so that set me back a bit. On the upside Garren was able to have Friday evening, most of Saturday and all of Sunday off work, so that's a change for us.. but by Monday he was down with the flu... so its been a draining week... Isaiah is still quite grumpy after his bout with the flu so that is not making things any easier..
However, a very long week has left time for a lot of reflection, if nothing else. I said in my first post that I would probably add to my list of goals... and after this last week I know what I need to add to my list... so now my list looks like this.
1. Spend time doing devotions every day
2. Go to church regularly
3. Begin writing again
4. Get up before nine every day
5. Work out 3 days a week
6. Clean at least one room, deep, per week
7. Finish my Medical Transcription Course
8. Eat at least two full meals a day
9. Take the time everyday to do at least do my hair and put on mascara
The last two seem so trivial.. but they're not for me. I have a lot of stress in my life and I'm not very good at managing stress. I find it gets to be overwhelming and paralyzing. I put on a brave face and say I'm doing alright, but the truth is its tearing me apart from the inside out. I've always been VERY good at internalizing, not with everything, just with the things that I think will make people worry about me. I feel the need to be "strong" all the time and I'm quickly learning that I am NOT strong enough. I never will be... however, it was during this last week that I realized I need to work on how I manage stress. Its perfectly alright to HAVE stress, but I have to learn how to manage it without it totally destroying my life. If I continue to live like I don't have a life, then I let those that cause the stress win. I would rather walk through life with my head held high and a sense of accomplishment than skulk around like a kicked puppy.
My first coping mechanism when it comes to stress is very much just a built in habit that I've had since I was quite young... I just don't eat. It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever, there's no rhyme or reason behind it... I just lose my appetite and can't be bothered to force myself to eat because I'm totally overwhelmed with whatever the stress is at the moment. I know its not healthy, and I know there are some who would slap a label on that... I need to get a handle on it before none of my clothes fit. I'm a size zero. I know a lot of women would love to say that... but its not a good thing. Zero is not a healthy number for someone who is 5'9" ... I haven't stepped on a scale lately, but last time I checked I was 110 lbs... not my ideal weight, and I know I've lost weight since then. Hence my goal to eat at least 2 meals a day, even just those I know I would gain weight, cause right now, I can't honestly say I always eat that many times a day. I know my family wouldn't be thrilled to be reading this, but I think I could honestly say, if my husband isn't home, I eat an average of one meal a day... and I use the term "meal" loosely... a peanut butter sandwich... a toaster pastry.. both could constitute a "meal". This is an area I'm not willing to ignore anymore... so I'm going to be keeping track of my meals and weight gain and hopefully in a few weeks I'll have something encouraging to report.
As well, my final goal, to do my hair and at least put on Mascara everyday. I used to take a lot of pride in looking nice. I didn't have to look like Barbie or anything, but I always had nice makeup and did my hair. Now I wear makeup maybe 4 times a month and its rare for me to "do" my hair. It usually gets brushed, or thrown in a bun at the top of my head in a heap. I use the excuse "I"m a mom, I don't have time".. but that's no excuse to let yourself be a slob! I've become the antithesis of everything I used to be. I'm a tired, underweight, dowdy mom. I used to say I wanted to be a "hip" mom. Well letting myself look one step above street bum is NOT the way to go about it.
Putting on makeup makes me feel better. I'm sure there is some psychological research that goes along with this, but I don't know it... however, I know from experience that if I take the time to at least put on mascara I feel more confident and better in general. I don't feel insecure and frumpy when I go out. I don't walk with my eyes on the ground. I don't know why mascara can make such a difference, but it does.
So there we have it... two things I'm working on... While I did have a very poor start, I did manage two days of devotions, but the flu cancelled any plans of going to church, but that's alright. I didn't set goals to be perfect, but to have something to strive for.... so here's to striving!
You know what, the mascara revelation came to me just recently, too. I don't have a man to impress and I'm home with the girls all the time (it's -35 here, who wants to go out lol) and I used that a reason to bypass any efforts to look good or do my makeup. It all changed when one day, for whatever reason, I allowed my then 2 year old daughter to help me pick out clothes for church. She was like a little cheering squad "oh mommy, i love that shirt" "yay, mommy, your pants are nice" in this super-enthused voice. We started a tradition that if she let me pick out her clothes, she could sit on my bed and help me pick through my closet. Now we have full-on makeup sessions every morning, where the girls sit in front of the mirror with my old blush brushes and empty makeup containers and "do makeups" while I do my own makeup. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a Toddlers In Tiaras moment... but it has become a great bonding moment, and I know that the idea that I thought that eating breakfast with my daughters was imprtant enough to do my makeup for wasn't lost on them. They got it. Mornings have become one of my favorite times of day, and believe me I used to be an 11am early-morning riser.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing pretty well for having two small chidren... the idea of getting up and dressed and showered by 9am didn't even occur to me until my youngest was over a year lol... I didn't know you were blogging, following mother's blogs has become my guilty pleasure, I'm going to add yours to my list!! :)
Meg, I know what you are going through. I felt the exact same way and still often do about myself which is one reason I wanted to do my happiness project. I too would hardly eat and always felt tired and like i was a dull blah mom. I still hardly ever wear makeup. Probably about the same amount as you do. It just seems so useless to apply it when we stay at home all day with kids, and when you need to go out you are often too tired to put any on. But it does help when you can squeeze a shower into your day and pretty yourself up a bit doesnt it. Your not alone. I too struggle to be upbeat and cheery on my blogs and in everyday life, so I like to think about this quote.....'Act the way you want to feel'. This does seem a bit hard to do, but you once you can train yourself to act the way you want to feel, then you will start to change. Im always here if you want to talk because I bet we go through almost the same feelings and thoughts.
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